In Don Miguel Ruiz’ important book THE FOUR AGREEMENTS, the third agreement is “Don’t Make Assumptions.”
This is not necessarily easy. In fact, I suspect most of us make so many assumptions, so frequently, about so many things – without even being aware of it – if we can get to the point where we even question whether or not we’re making an assumption, that is gigantuous progress!
I’ll choose one particular scenario as an example. Some people seem prone – if not to flat out road rage – to becoming easily irritated or angry with other drivers on the road.
“Learn how to drive!” Honk, honk. “He cut me off!!” Honk, honk, hoooonnnnk. “You a**-hole!!!” Flip the bird.
Sound familiar?
It seems to me one of the easiest places to make assumptions is from behind the wheel. But what if the guy who cut you off in traffic just left the airport en-route to the hospital, where his wife is in premature labor with their first child?
Another is in hearing and reading about celebrities. “Yeah, I’d look like that too if I made a million dollars a movie, and had a personal trainer, and a plastic surgeon, and a nanny. (And you know that picture was photoshopped anyhow.)”
Sound familiar?
I’ll readily admit I think there is way too much emphasis on celebrity and physical appearance in our culture. And, of course, anyone is going to look better after two hours in the chair with the makeup artist and hair stylist. That said, noone can know the schedule of and demands on another person’s time without being in that person’s life. Even the best personal trainer can’t exercise for you. Personally, I love to exercise and don’t feel good when I don’t. But working out two hours a day every day…? No thanks.
Yet perhaps even more destructive than the assumptions we make about others are those we make about ourselves.
I am not a person prone to road rage. My tendencies lean in the opposite direction. Someone honks and my first thought is “What did I do wrong?”
I remember once when I was in the Transformational Voice Training Institute Apprenticeship program, in between jobs, and short on money. My voice teacher left a voice mail asking me to call back as soon as I could as there was something she wanted to discuss. In the moments leading up to my return call, I felt concerned, even panicky, wondering if I had made some colossal mistake, offended someone, or if I was behind in my studies, etc. It turned out Linda was losing a roommate and was calling to offer me a place to live!
Whatever experiences and socialization led to our individual encrypted patterns (or ingrained tendencies, or old shit, or whatever term you want to use), being aware of them is helpful. Knowing they exist, and to look for them, can help avert assumptions and open up authentic potential for a new way of looking at things, a new choice.
Authentically Yours,
Laura
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