There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world. –Robert Louis Stevenson
Many parents know this. Many non-parent people know this. It is good being happy. Most of us tend to feel happier when we are around happy people. I was a step-mom for over 12 years, and I knew this. And a lot of the time I sucked at it!
A lot of us suck at being our authentic selves in relationships. Perhaps especially when we are around people (like children) we feel we need to teach, who can also be the most likely to emulate us. Which is pretty back-asswards, when you think about it. Which, I suppose, is why so many people grow up convinced they are going to do everything the exact opposite of how their parents did. Which typically doesn’t work either, in the long run.
It seems so many of us have expended so much energy trying to make other people happy, that we end up tense and unhappy ourselves, which does just about as much to please other people as poking a hole in a bicycle tire so the bike will fit better into that tight space in the garage. Which is approximately as effective as expecting other people to change for the benefit of our happiness.
Whatever we say, do, or even think, can be a gift of our (hopefully often happy and tension-free) authenticity to the people around us. They can absorb our experience, from our example, without us having to “teach” a thing. Doesn’t that feel like a relief?!
If you’re a parent, you have a very good idea of what your children are unconsciously picking up from you. If you’re a teacher, you know how you are reaching your students. Or not. If you’re in a romantic relationship, you know how your lover is responding to you before they say a word or you ask a question.
As you’ve probably figured out reading my blog, I am an avid reader and have favorite writers. Every writer I admire has been influenced by other writers and has their favorites as well.
Here’s an excerpt from one of my faves - Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life.
My son, Sam, at three and a half, had these keys to a set of plastic hand cuffs, and one morning he intentionally locked himself out of the house. I was sitting on the couch reading the newspaper when I heard him stick his plastic keys into the doorknob and try to open the door. Then I heard him say, “Oh, shit.” My whole face widened, like the guy in Edvard Munch’s Scream. After a moment I got up and opened the front door.
“Honey,” I said, “what’d you just say?”
“I said, ‘Oh, shit,’” he said.
“But, honey, that’s a naughty word. Both of us have absolutely got to stop using it. Okay?”
He hung his head for a moment, nodded, and said, “Okay, Mom.” Then he leaned forward and said confidentially, “But I’ll tell you why I said ‘shit.’” I said Okay, and he said, “Because of the fucking keys!”
God, that made me laugh the first time I read it, and still does re-creating it for you. J
Here are a couple recent photos of two activities I engage in that sing to my authentic self. Batting a tennis ball around the court (without keeping score or serving) and watering my little garden plot. It was also really fun to put braided pigtails in my hair at the age of 48. I got a little help with the back part.
Do you know how to give folks what they most, most, most want from you without even asking what it is?
In all regards, just be yourself.
That’s what they were after when they manifested you into their lives.
Whoa! –The Universe – www.tut.com (Thoughts become things…choose the good ones – registered trademark.)
Authentically Yours, Laura
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